SodaHead - annamariesiobhan's Blog

Going away for a while...

2008-02-13T18:05:00Z

annamariesiobhan

0 raves

I might not be back this time.

Totally personal... for the whole internet to see

2008-02-07T07:54:11Z

annamariesiobhan

+1 raves

To lighten my spirits, I've decided to do a complete overhaul on myself. I haven't decided exactly what that entails, but here's what I'm thinking... 1. Some new piercing. I had my tongue pierced at one point. I might get that redone, or my belly button. 2. Cut my hair. I've had long hair most my life. I was thinking of chopping it all off and dying the back portion pink.I don't know if I have the balls for that. 3. Get another tattoo. I've always wanted the Eye of Ra on my upper back, and I think it's time I just do it. 4. New wardrobe. I've purchased many new work clothes recently, but I want something for just going out. But I really don't have a style because I've been working so hard. I need a new style because business casual is starting to look boring on me. 5. Adopt a new accent. Britney Spears is doing it, why can't I? I should totally try to pull of British with my family. And they would probably have me institutionalized... I don't know what else to do at this point. I just need something new and fun. I'm sick of the same old me...

Divorce

2008-01-19T21:41:49Z

annamariesiobhan

+5 raves

Who the heck would ever date a divorced 21 year old? I mean seriously people, I can walk into a bar and have 5 different guys come up and offer to by me a drink and the first thing I blurt out is "I'm divorced, is that okay with you?" They all have their excuses to run. So do I lie? Do I not say anything? When would I say anything? Have I ruined my life already? So for the past two weeks, this weekend will be my third, I just sit at home. I knitted my mother a scarf and made a dog bed for Mojito. My house is spotless. I've taken at least 20 bubble baths. And now I'm blurting out my feelings to an online community of people who don't even know me. What hurts the most is at night. I want to fall asleep in someone's arms. It's so lonely, it hurts.

Don't trust anyone

2007-10-06T09:44:12Z

annamariesiobhan

+2 raves

That is the lesson today, boys and girls. No one is to be trusted, not your parents, not your spouse, not your friends.

NO ONE!

You see, everyone does what's best for themselves. We are all very selfish people. It's not our faults! It's been engraved in us since the beginning of time.

For example - Take the everyday teenager. He, selfishly, wants to sneak out and party with some friends after being told not to by his parents. If the negative consequences out weigh the positive consequences then he won't go. If just the opposite is true, then he will go! This is going to be an AWESOME party with booze and a girl he likes and his parents may just ground him for a week IF he gets caught. So he goes. If the parents are more strict with the rules and tell him he's getting grounded till he's 18 then the negative out weighs the positive, he doesn't go.

The following formula can be used.

pos con > neg con = action

pos con < neg con not = action

Any situation applies. Some are more complex, but ultimately this is our being. Fight it as much as you want, but eventually it will haunt you until you accept it.

I recently found a new friendship with a lovely gentleman. But I do not trust him. Trust no one, children. That is the lesson today. Class dismissed.

Box #5387

2007-07-04T16:21:24Z

annamariesiobhan

+3 raves

Europe is a beautiful place. It's so different than America and where I had traveled before. Amidst the romance and history one could easily change and come home differently. I had never been there before. It was a wonderful experience! Piles of history around every corner; things you would only see in books or write papers on. But I was there. I saw it, lived it, felt it. The stupid little girl was there too. Maybe more so than I was. We both had loves in America, but this was Europe. A completely different culture than anything we had been used to.

The box is very painful to just reach down to the bottom and grab what ever I feel. It must be taken out, layer by layer. Unfortunately, this box has gaps in the layers. All I have left to remember it by is some maps and a pair of walking shoes. But I know what is in there. I know it had to come out sooner or later.

Before I had Box #5387, I had Bee. Just another stupid pet name from the little girl. He was my world. Bee and I told stories of how it should be and how forever was easier with each other. We did everything together. Bee and I were engaged. After Box #5387 I couldn't look at Bee again. I felt so differently about the world than what Bee and I had spoken about previously. I had lost whatever innocence I had left at age 18. There is so much more to see and study! The world is full of knowledge and stories and history and culture! I wanted it all. Bee was holding me back. Now he wasn't physically holding me back, but the life that we had talked about was. There are no happy ending. No fairy tales. We live in a capitalistic society which means someone at every moment of every day is exploiting you. Where do you find the happiness in that? I don't want to raise children in this country. Bee did.

Now there are layers in this box I'm not ready to touch. I know they are in there, but it's not happening today.

Bee and I eventually went our separate ways.

Today that box still haunts me for reasons that I am not ready to tell the world about. But, that little girl became more stupid after Box #5387.

Fairy tales, Princes on white horses, Happily ever afters, was all I ever dreamed about. That stupid little girl does nothing but wish for these things. And now I just don't want to be exploited.

The reason I tell you this children is because I don't ever want you to lose your innocence. There is nothing wrong with our government, Wal-mart is a good thing, and Insurance Companies just want to help you get better.

Ignorance is Bliss.

Hurt

2007-06-16T20:54:59Z

annamariesiobhan

+3 raves

I have never been more depressed than I am right now.

The stupid girl sits next to me laughing. My pain is her pleasure. I'm a fucking morphine pill to her.

Think of someone slowly peeling my skin off.
Think of death, dying and losing everything.
Think about the last words as we leave this world.
Think about a person you trust and them betraying you. Lying to you. Using you.
Think about that phone call and smile.

The beautiful/moronic girl that sat next to me, took a long drag of her cigarette as if she wanted to sound more profound as she said the next words.

"Nothing in this world matters. Everyone's opinion of you doesn't count. Nothing is as it seems."

We both had a good laugh. We smile as we throw more bull at each other.

Wal-mart.
The War on Terror.
The US Government.
Roses.
Love.
Doctors.

I knew now that I was nothing more than her pill. She knew that I was nothing more than a pathetic, stupid little girl.

Little girl. It reminded me of things in my closet. As I thought about it my hand reached for the closet door, but I didn't have enough in me to actually grab on and turn. I knew what was in there. She knew what was in there.

But we both knew that today wasn't a day to go driving down memory lane.

Another way to say good bye

2007-06-04T03:48:14Z

annamariesiobhan

+4 raves

Now you must understand that there are many different ways to end her story. An unexplainable heart attack. A tragic car accident. A happily ever after. Or an eternity locked up in some genie bottle. But as I thought back to what the stupid little girl was guilty of, I couldn't decide.

"He without sin shall cast the first stone."

I knew every sin and bad decision I ever made. In fact, I kept an inventory of exactly what was in my closet. And here I sit ready to sentence this dumb/perfect girl to a lifetime of my wishes.

The simple power made me drunk with a heavy sleep and an unexplainable headache. She was inside of me. She sat next to me. She giggled as my eyes became more and more heavy. And finally she settled deep inside my closet.

#5648 - Stupid Perfect Little Girl

Who's next on my list?

My heart is enough

2007-06-04T03:45:15Z

annamariesiobhan

+3 raves

There is no stupid fairy tale like the flawless girl hoped.

No easy way. No quick fixes. No forgiveness. No truth.

For everything that she was ever told was a lie. And everything that passed her perfect lips was a lie.

"I love you." "I'll never hurt you." "I promise."

And as she thought back the words echoed in her head with such sarcasm she had to think of something else before her head exploded. All the memories and lies were in a dark closet somewhere and just the thought of opening the door drained the blood from her body.

She adjusted her legs to keep warm, pictured puppies dying and smiled. Anything was better than that damn closet.

"I can't be the only one that has these feelings", the stupid pretty perfect girl thought outloud. She lit a cigerette to keep warm. Her lungs, numb from her previous thoughts, found warmth as she drew in the cancerous air. "Everyone must go through this."

This ideal girl sat up to announce to no one that she was normal. These feelings were completely okay. The nightmares, visions and hauntings were supposed to be everyday things. The more the stupid girl thought about "it" the more she realized that she was lying to herself. But she was okay with that, and gently placed "it" with the others inside her closet and shut the door.

Clear the mind, think about AIDS and smile.

No one could understand what this faultless girl felt. Everyone else had to think of dying puppies, AIDS, masacres, 9/11, fatal car crashes, war, and whatever else that puts the mind at ease.

And smile.

The pathetic girl thought outloud, "My mind is no longer necessary."