so, i might finally know what's wrong with me.

it's not official or anything, because i don't have insurance to get a doctor diagnosis, but, i think i have Asperger's syndrome.

I have a large majority of the symptoms, and it all makes sense, y'know? i found lots of web articles, and they all said the same thing.

Apparently it's a high-functioning form of autism.

And it certainly explains a lot.

WANTED: Someone to talk to.
BFOQ- the ability to listen, and a working brain.
Previous experience not required, but appreciated.
Promotion to friend possible.
Salary is reciprocation, and negotiable.
Apply online, over the phone, by parcel post, or in person.
Equal Opportunity Employer

I had every right to be excited about this movie. It was fantastic!
Suspenseful, action-packed, completely psycho.
When i'd heard people recommending Heath Ledger for an Oscar, i figured it was only because that was his last performance before his death, and everyone was blowing was it out of proportion.
WRONG!
He was amazing. If the storyline continues, whoever plays The Joker will have mighty shoes to fill.
I was VERY surprised by the killing off of Rachael Dawes. Of course, it does give Bruce Wayne one more thing to brood about. And Alfred bearing the burden of the secret that she WASN'T going to wait for Bruce... heavy.
I was also very surprised at the briefness of Two-Face. (Harvey Dent died) But, i did enjoy his creation. The fact that the Joker forged Two-Face was very... "messin' with your mind".
The fact that Gordon jumped from Lieutenant to Police commissioner made me blink. Aren't there some other ranks he had to climb first?
Of course, Christian Bale was amazing, too, but to tell you the truth, i expected that.
The movie also ended kinda weird. The law enforcement of Gotham are hunting Batman, the bat signal has been destroyed (along with damn-near all of the "bat" equipment), and NO clue was given about the next movie.

I can hardly wait

i've been waiting a long time for this day...

NEW BATMAN MOVIE!

ok, there, i said it.
I'm excited as hell.

And, my favorite show starts a new season tonight. (Psych)

What potential for a great day!

My little idea of cutting out music to get my writing back has done little but turn me into a maniac.
I guess it could be all my pent-up feelings rushing to the surface in a mad dash for release, but that doesn't make it any easier.
Bursts of anger and tears, exhaustion and energy. Cravings for violence and peace, alcohol and drugs, screaming and razors.
I'm starting to remember why i began numbing myself in the first place.

I was cleaning out a drawer in my room when i came across my high school year books. (I bought one every year... i don't know why.) This got me reminiscing about that fateful time period, and before long i was sharing HILARIOUS txts w/a friend of mine. We laughed and laughed at what fake-ass, moronic dopes we went to school with, and i told him i'd probably have to blog about these idiots.

Then i got to my sophomore book. And there, on one of the few white pages, was a large paragraph written by a girl named Alex. Everyone who went to high school with me KNOWS EXACTLY who i'm talking about. Alex. She was one of the few people lower than me on the proverbial totem pole. She... i don't know... fawned over me for some reason. Acted like i was her hero or something. But mostly, she annoyed the shit out of me, and wouldn't go away. Literally, would NOT go away. I would tell her to her face that i didn't like her, and she'd laugh, thinking i was being sarcastic. (which i was famous for being, but first step in the art of understanding sarcasm is being able to RECOGNIZE IT.)

In any case, in this paragraph was one sentence that stopped me in my reverie.

"You're the best writer i know; who is able to put her truest feelings down on paper and make everything seem so real."

And it was then that i realized why my writing skill has all but flown the coop.

I have stopped feeling.

No feelings, nothing to put on paper.
It's true. I have numbed myself very well. From everything. I don't feel sadness or grief or anger or joy. I numb myself with music and television and computer games, and delude myself into "writing", by re-writing stuff i've all ready written. There aren't any battles in my head or in my heart anymore, and so there's nothing to write down.

and WHY have i buried all my feelings? To stop cutting. If i don't feel anything, there's nothing to cope with. And if there's nothing to cope with, i won't need to cut.

So, riddle me this:
Why do i have to make two sacrifices? Why should the loss of my coping mechanism require the death of art?

So, wherever you are, thanks Alex, for pointing out the plainly obvious that has eluded me for so long.

And so, in a first step to try and un-numb myself, i have an announcement to make.

For a one-week trial (just to see how it goes), i am giving up...

Music.

Yes, you heard it right, i am cutting off my own oxygen supply.
This'll either make me a little more sane, or it will kill me.
Rock on.

I'm thinking of getting into fanfiction again. Sometimes writing about characters that all ready exist is easier. You don't have to invent them, they're all ready there. And fanfiction can actually be quite cleansing. I could stand some cleansing.

But the question is what to fanfiction? Obviously in my case it would be a tv show, but which one?

I'm in process of redoing all my profiles, everywhere. Myspace, Facebook, & Sodahead first. It's going ok. I have a hard time filling in the "about me" parts, and can't think of thing for a Myspace headline. Anything appropriate and witty seems to get lost in my mind.

The shelter is on kitten overload. But i love it. I guess it's what normal people feel when they have children. Fred, a little black kitten, just adores me. he HAS to sleep on my shoulder, cuddling up by my neck. I can feel his breath on my neck, and feel him purr, and it's the greatest thing i've ever felt. Helping this new little life learn to be someone's companion. Makes me feel alive, for once.

Can't say that very often...

My cousin and her husband had a HUGE, knock-down, drag-out fight.

At least, that's what she told me yesterday, 2 days after-the-fact.

She said they hadn't been speaking for a while, and when she asked him a simple question, he flew off the handle. She described it as "going psycho". I guess he left, and when he heard her locking the door behind him, he COMPLETELY flipped, and broke the door down.

After he broke the door down, he called the cops. (he's illegal, and thought he had to report the door being broken or something, he's an idiot, what can i say?)

The cops said that legally Jill couldn't spend the night there, so she went and stayed a friend's place in Dallas (45 mins from where she lives, and light years away from where i live...) I guess he texted this girl all damn night, wanting to know how the baby was and crap. I guess he and this friend talked everything out, and it turns out he's mad because Jill went back to work 5 days a week instead of three. He called her selfish. (which he does a lot, i might add.)

He's always yapping about she doesn't love him, and all this crap. If she didn't love him, why would she have given up everything she's ever known to be with him? She has made he & Gabi the MOST important people in her life (And i should know, because i'm the one who got deposed for them!).

And what pisses me off even more, is that she tells me not to say anything to her parents! Why? "Because they like my husband, and i want to keep it that way."

I have just about had it with people in relationships.
Do relationships make people blind? And stupid?
Makes me reconsider wanting one.

i'd rather have brain cells and be alone than have to put up with crap like that.

Just wanted to iterate that i LOVE frontmen with forearm tatoos.
And another has been added to that illustrious list. (YAY BRENDAN (Panic At The Disco)!)

Also: I have become obsessed with Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs (NCIS).

Also: The countdown is on to the new season of PSYCH!!!! (Which begins the same day the new Batman movie is released- condenses countdowns for me quite a bit.)

That is all.

Well, it's official. The children are out of school around here. And all they do is clog up the library. I'm in for three months of Internet Hell. Expect less frequent appearances by yours truly.

I also hate summer because of the weather. Right now, i think Cleveland has changed latitude with the Equator. It is horribly hot, and suffocatingly humid. We're setting record temperatures today.
I also hate the thunderstorms that come along with summer. I never get any sleep from the constant panic attacks triggered by lightning. Always fun.

The lack of good tv is also a summer bummer. AT LEAST at mid-July or so i get Monk & Psych back. (Same day as the new Batman movie is released, i might add. A great day for me!)
It's especially crappy when The Indians BLOW, as they are doing now. It's hard to be a fan when it's this bad.

On the plus side, the shelter got in soem kittens, and i'm all ready in love. There were four when i arrived, and i got to bathe them. While i was on the last one, someone brought in another! Ellen was really busy, so she hands me this CUTE little Calico fluff-ball, and says "Weigh it, name it, put it with the others." I named her Abby. (As a tribute to the NCIS character Abby, because she's got 2 black splotches on her head with a part of white down the middle that reminded me of Abby's hair.)
I was glad for the kittens, because it took my mind off Lucky Boy, who is starving himself to death, and probably won't last the week.