An Hour Back In Hell

"I really don't like this," I whispered to my mom. She just kept walking like she didn't hear. Now that I think about it, maybe thats because she didn't actually hear me. We walked through the door and into the cafeteria. A saw the rows of tables and the groups of people eating their dinner, and all the feelings I thought had finally gone away forever, all came flooding back.

"Whoa. Mom, my stomach just, like, clenched. This is really weird." She glanced at me before continuing to make her way to an empty spot in the room. I could feel my breathing speed up. Why was this happening now? I knew that I didn't have to go here anymore. That part of my life was over. So why did I still feel like this?

My dad sat down where I had the perfect view of the bathrooms. I could hear the echos of all the day's I'd spent in here....
"Dude, that girl is in my Biology Class!"

Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh SHIT. I will NOT think about that day. Not now.

I took a deep breath and looked away, trying to focus on opening my bag of cheetos. After several lame attempts I finally managed to get it open. Yet, I still couldn't keep my mind off the image of me hiding away in the bathroom. Me sitting in alone in the exact same spot I was in then. Me being surronded by a hundred or more kids who all seemed hate me. Me being cornered by those two girls. The stares from kids who never even gave me a chance

"Mary?"

I looked up at my mom suddenly aware of what was going on around me.

"Mary, you don't look very good. Do you need to leave?"

"No. I'm fine." A lie. But I didn't want to give in. To prove my point I refocused my attention on eating my cheetos and trying to keep myself from losing all self control in the middle of my old school's cafeteria.

"Mary! Your shaking," My mom whispered gently, "Are you sure you don't want to step outside and get some air? We can go sit in the car if you want."

Damn. And I thought I was doing a good job at hiding my emotions. I looked down at my hands. They really were shaking. Funny how didn't notice that until my mom pointed it out.

"Uh, yeah. I think we should go" I kept my head down. I didn't want anyone to see me. I could feel the tears threatning to spill over and down my face. A panic attack in the middle of the lunchroom, with a bunch of people i used to know around....not really my idea of a good time.

I was still shaking when got up and walked out. The girls holding the doors open looked at me and then at each other and laughed.

I can't believe that place still affects me like that.

"Are you going to be okay watching your sister in the auditorium?"

I looked at my mom, "Yeah, I guess. I mean, I was last time." Lie. Again.

"Okay. Lunch just wasn't fun for you was it?" She murmured as we passed a group of band students.

" Well, it was the worst part of the day. Kind of... I don't know. It was like the center of.." Hell. "...everything."